Everybody Auditions For Bartlett's

Stupid (and Smart) Things People Have Actually Said
(you be the judge)
  • Meeting Topic: "Drilling into Qulaity Control"
  • "I can't even tell you how many times I've seen people misspell 'detail-oriented.'
  • "No, but I meeted my english standard."
  • "You have a huge hair in your mouth.....and it's not yours." anon. 8/01
  • "It's an asshole detector - and it's going wild right now." - DS, 2/92
  • "How close are the studs in this place?" - TA to KZ & DB, 5/97
  • "I've never been in such a huge crowd of beer-swilling idiots in my life!" - DB, 5/92
  • "If a face could only talk." - superbowl commentator, 1/97
  • "My eyes are sensitive to light." - JF
  • "Opposites attract.  That's why pretty girls have ugly boyfriends."    "Hey, MY boyfriend's not ugly!"   "Right."
  • "Teeth are made of ovaries." - TG, 1991
  • "They come from a deep gene pool." - anon. principal in MA, 3/97
  • "Getting to that age where the fatal part of it comes in." - BS
  • "Its a once in a lifetime chance and it happens every year!" - TV executive
  • "I just gave it the slightest tug." - KZ, 6/97
  • "He's not excatly the sharpest marble in the drawer." - V.Paz.
  • "If you stop talking, you gain weight, right?" - JP to PM, 12/95
  • "Why do they call them 'knots' anyways?  The wood doesn't stop.  Why not call them 'anywayses' or 'despites'?" - KZ
  • "Are you incredibly stupid?  Please don't talk anymore." - JP
  • "We have a no parking ban in effect all day."
  • "My unit came unstuck and fell down my pants leg - I had to walk really carefully all night!" - DP, 7/97 - about a wireless microphone unit.
  • "Think of it as the anus in the rectum of your search." - KZ to DB, 11/1/97
  • "Everything sucks.  And you missed my set." - Julie B imitating Bill R, 11/11/97
  • "...a rag on every bush." - KM's mom, meaning "there will be trouble"
  • "Could I just have an inch of your stool?" - anon, 10/97
  • "When do you guys wanna make the waffles?" - MP, 12/90, at a Wassail party
  • "The key is to play incompetent boobs." - KZ, 1/98
  • "I obviously cannot kick a shiv past a stantion." - DN, @NETC, 11/97
  • "I ran out of styrofoam the other day.  I was very embarassed." - DN, @NETC, 11/97
  • "I grew up in DOS.  I've seen bad days." - DN, @NETC, 11/97
  • "There isn't anything that makes me happier than a hard wire between my stage manager and my assistant." DN, @NETC, 11/97
  • "You have to rise above the way you were raised."
  • "Oh my God! You have the biggest worm in the world between your legs." JP 7/2000
  • "I don't know...brown?" KZ